[cole]

Last summer my insurance dropped me. No notice, no calls, no letters, no emails. Just dropped.
I found out when I was in the office of a psychiatrist. I was there to get help.
My insurance, the one which dropped me, didn’t cover my previous psychiatrist so I had to find a new. I went months without a psychiatrist and thusly without meds. I went through withdrawal of both mood stabilizers and anti-depressants. I wasn’t depressed; I entered a depression.
I was “non-functional.” I didn’t leave my apartment. During the period of my depression my fiancé dumped me. I can only blame her so much: I wouldn’t want to be living with me either.
That was months ago.
A few weeks ago I finally started seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I’m currently on both risperidone and wellbutrin. I’m waiting for them to “kick-in” and make me a happier person.
I’m still waiting.
A week ago I had a long talk with my ex. We reconciled. The morning after we had sex she was oozing happiness and was affectionate and was in love. I was too.
This last week was the only happy week I’ve had since going off my meds mid-summer.
An hour ago, when I was lying in bed next to her, she drunkenly told me after we broke up she slept with two of my friends from where we used to live. It hurt.
She had dated one of them previously. Twice. She often talks about how he mistreated her during and after they broke up. I’ve heard her say she doesn’t want to treat me the same way. She doesn’t want me to feel how she felt.
I keep coming back to why.
Why would she sleep with him? Them?
Why would she even tell me? Why would she make me feel hurt and depressed and angry and alone?
Why aren’t I over her yet?
Why am I even taking her calls, going to her house? Why am I putting myself through this?
Why do I still love her?
About twenty minutes after she told me I simply left. I was driving down an interstate and the thought popped into my head “It would be so easy. I don’t even have to turn. Just unbuckle my seat belt and wait for the road to bend and it would finally all be over.”
I hate life right now. I don’t want to kill myself because I’m angry at myself or angry at her or angry at the world.
I just want to be free.
If living means feeling the way I do now it’s not worth it. Nothing is worth it.
I’m back home, alone. I left the chance to just get over it, not let it bother me and sleep next to another human being: the only thing I want right now.
But I left and I can’t go back.
I keep reminding myself I’m not suicidal, I’m depressed and there's a difference. I keep telling myself “with proper treatment…”
I know it can be better. I just don’t believe it.

[jade]

((((Cole))))

I know what you mean about knowing it can be better but not believing it, knowing and believing can be completely different things. Keeping telling yourself and hopefully the knowledge will turn into belief.

Break ups are horrible, painful, complicated things, on both sides. I don't know why she did what she did, I guess the important thing is how she feels about it now. Feelings can't just be turned on and off so it's natural to feel so mixed up, a bit of time and distance might help you sort things out in your mind. I try not to think about things too much, just wait and see how I feel about them. Head and heart don't always agree and unfortunately there's no quick fix :hugs:

Btw, the new WoM board is here -> http://wingofmadness.ning.com/ I hope you'll come over and join us :)